hello all!

i have unfortunately realized something genuinely devastating

nobody has ever taken me to bangladesh

like

ever

not once

and i don't know why i've only just realized this because the more i think about it the more fucked up it gets

i have been alive for SIXTEEN YEARS and at no point has anybody come up to me and gone

"hey mira pack your shit we're going to bangladesh"

not my parents

not my friends

not some random rich person

not the bangladeshi government

nobody (mitsky reference)

literally nobody

and bro

why

bangladesh is RIGHT THERE

it already exists

i'm not asking anybody to BUILD bangladesh for me

you do not have to terraform a new country

you do not have to call nasa

you don't have to get zoning approval from the city of phoenix

it is already there

finished

roads and everything

people live there

there are airports

there are buildings

there is food

there is an entire functioning country just sitting there and somehow nobody has thought

"yknow who should probably see this"

ME

instead i wake up every day and it's still arizona

well

with the exception of that one time i went to california entirely because i wanted tgi fridays

which honestly just makes this worse

because apparently i can justify crossing state lines for mozzarella sticks but nobody can get me to bangladesh

anyway

i look outside

arizona

i get in the car

arizona

i drive 45 minutes

somehow STILL arizona

circle k

strip mall

fry's

another circle k

some rocks

a saguaro

an entire parking lot that genuinely feels hotter than the surface of the fucking sun

and then another lousy strip mall

awesome

great

really glad this is apparently all i get

and nobody seems even remotely concerned about the complete lack of bangladesh in my life

which i think is insane

like y'all are really just okay with this???

anyway

this got me thinking

because bangladesh is not even the only incredibly specific experience i have somehow been robbed of

nobody has ever cooked me a sausage on an open flame either

not once

and NO

before someone says it

a grill DOES NOT count

i do not mean somebody's dad in cargo shorts standing next to a propane grill at 6pm flipping hot dogs while everybody else is sitting on plastic lawn chairs

that's not what i'm talking about

i mean FIRE

actual fire

wood

smoke

some random stick

one sausage

possibly somewhere that looks like we are not technically supposed to be there

preferably at night

i want somebody to hold a sausage six inches above a fire for like 30 minutes

look at it

turn it over twice

then hand it to me and go

"yeah that's probably fine"

and then i get food poisoning the next day

THAT is what i call living

and before anybody starts

yes i know we have hotdogs in arizona

we have like 10 billion of them

we literally have sonoran hot dogs

i am not asking for a hot dog

i want a SAUSAGE

on a STICK

over an actual FIRE

these are different things

human beings discovered fire hundreds of thousands of years ago and somehow nobody has managed to organize this for me

we invented agriculture

we built cities

we invented electricity

we went to the moon

we made computers

we built the internet

we somehow got a fry's marketplace the size of a small european country

but nobody can put a sausage on a stick

good ass job guys

really proud of civilization

and the worst part is

nobody ever promised me any of this

that's what's making me mad

there is literally nobody i can blame

there was no contract

there was no prophecy

my mom never sat me down when i was 6 or 7 years old and said

"one day i promise i will take you to bangladesh and cook you a sausage over an open flame"

that never happened

i have somehow been betrayed by a promise that did not even exist

which honestly feels worse

because now who do i complain to

there HAS to be someone responsible

surely when you're born there's supposed to be some random dude up in kentucky assigned to you whose entire job is making sure weird shit happens every couple months

and mine has clearly been sitting in a circle k parking lot doing absolutely NOTHING for 16 years

everybody else gets normal life milestones

first day of school

first job

first car

first relationship

yada yada

where is my first

"hey mira we're going to bangladesh tomorrow don't ask any questions"

where is my mysterious envelope at a train station

where is my extremely questionable fishing trip at 4:37 in the morning

where is my random old guy telling me something about a mountain that i will remember for the rest of my life

where is my fucking cargo ship

i don't even LIKE fishing

i don't enjoy fishing

i would probably be miserable

but that's the point

i should have at least one memory of being on some tiny boat at 4:37am genuinely freezing my tits off while a 63 year old man named mike tells me

"they're not biting today"

and i just sit there wondering what series of decisions got me to this point

that builds character

instead i live in phoenix where half of the year you walk outside and the air itself feels hostile

like people from other states will be like

"oh my god it's 95 today"

bro

that's NICE

that's patio weather

that's the temperature where people here start saying

"oh wow it cooled down"

you open the weather app and it says 111 and everyone just goes

"yeah"

light work, no reaction

you go outside and the steering wheel is genuinely trying to peel off your fingerprints slowly but surely

the seat belt buckle can legally be classified as a damn weapon

you have to remote start the car or accept that you're about to enter a preheated oven

and somehow THIS is the life experience i got assigned

not bangladesh

not cargo ship

not mysterious train station envelope

phoenix

great

maybe that's why nobody has taken me anywhere

maybe everybody thinks i haven't finished experiencing arizona yet

i have

trust me

i get it

hot

mountain

strip mall

dust

circle k

sunset that looks absolutely insane for like 10 minutes

then more heat

every summer we all collectively wait for monsoon season like it's the second coming of christ

then the sky turns brown

somebody's patio furniture goes missing

the power flickers

and suddenly everybody is outside taking pictures of a wall of dust like we have never seen one before

i love it here but BRO

I UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT

i have beaten arizona

give me the next level

i want humidity so bad that i immediately miss the dry heat

i want traffic that genuinely makes zero sense to me

i want some guy selling food on the side of the road where i actually have absolutely no clue what i ordered but it ends up being STUPIDLY good

i want to go somewhere where "it's only 40 minutes away" does not count as basically next door

because in arizona that is literally nothing

mfs will genuinely be like

"oh yeah it's kinda far"

and then it's 35 mins away

bro that is THE grocery store

that's normal

you tell somebody here something is two hours away and they're like

"oh that's not bad"

we have genuinely completely lost perspective

and honestly

i think that's the real issue

there is not enough random bullshit in people's lives anymore

everybody plans EVERYTHING

people will plan a vacation six months in advance

flight booked

hotel booked

restaurant reservations

itinerary

tickets

times

maps

backup plans

bro that sounds like a JOB

where is the part where you take the wrong exit off the I-10 and then you somehow end up in nebraska

where is the gas station that looks like nobody has cleaned it since 2003

where is somebody dropping their phone between the seats and spending 20 minutes trying to get it back

where is the part where you get out of your car, go find some horses and then you just genuinely start riding them

where is the restaurant in a completely dead strip mall that looks sketchy as hell and somehow has the best food you've ever had in your life

where is the random guy you talk to for 45 seconds who tells you the most batshit insane story you've ever heard and then vanishes forever

susdog is very smart and cool

THAT is the good shit

nobody remembers the perfectly scheduled part

nobody is lying awake 10 years later like

"wow! that hotel check in process was REALLY fucking smooth"

you remember the stupid stuff

you remember sitting next to a fire at 1am eating a sausage that is burnt on the outside and definitely not cooked correctly on the inside while somebody swears on everything they just heard a coyote

you remember getting lost

you remember the car making a noise that it definitely should not be making

you remember somebody saying

"wait are we even allowed to park here"

THAT is a memory

and i want more of that

stop asking me if i wanna "hang out"

that means nothing

tell me to be outside at 6:15

do not explain why

show up with three camping chairs

a bag of sausages

2 giant circle k drinks

some firewood

and for some reason a paper map of nepal

and then get on the freeway

if i ask where we're going and you say

"idfk"

PERFECT

that's exactly what i want

if 3 hours later we're somewhere near the california border with no actual explanation for how this happened

even better

if we somehow end up in bangladesh then this entire blog post has served its purpose thankfully

and yes

before some freaking nerd points it out

i know i could technically just do all this myself

i COULD buy a plane ticket

i COULD buy sausages

i COULD go camping

i COULD get on a boat

i know

that's not the point

doing it urself ruins it

i cannot unexpectedly take myself to bangladesh

that's just called booking a regular vacation

i cannot mysteriously hand myself an envelope at a train station

that's just me standing in public doing a bit by myself

there needs to be another person involved who has made a questionable decision without telling me first

that's essential

i want to wake up one morning and find out whatever i thought i was doing today no longer matters because apparently we're driving somewhere

where

don't know

why

also don't know

do we have enough gas

probably

is it 112 outside

abso fucking lutely

perfect

that is an adventure

so yeah

that is my formal complaint

to who

idfk

god

the government

the bangladesh tourist board

the arizona department of transportation

big sausage

whoever is in charge of this shit

please sort it out

because as of right now

i am still in arizona

i have never been handed a mysterious envelope at a train station

i have never been on a cargo ship

i have never been forced onto a fishing boat before sunrise

nobody has randomly told me we're going to bangladesh

and after SIXTEEN YEARS on this planet

nobody has cooked me a fucking sausage over an open fire

genuinely embarrassing for everybody involved